Lou Costello Buys a Computer

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows..
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

Have You Ever Been To These Places?

(From a share on Facebook...)

I have been in many places, but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends, and those with whom I have worked.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I am not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt and in Decisive. Those are unsettling places to go, and I try not to visit too often.

I've been in Toxicated, and I woke up the next day with a headache.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I seem to go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of the most exciting places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.

Now if I can just avoid getting in Continent...

A Few Questions For You To Ponder...

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

Child Support Woes...

Beat It!

Here's a few fantastic drummers to amaze you...





Enjoy!

Attack of the Killer...Apples?

I thought this was so awesome it needed to be shared.

The synchronization with the music and the action is fantastic!

Enjoy!

A Homeless Man's Funeral

(Found on Facebook)

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service
for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be
at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical
male, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone
and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt
badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down
their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for
this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played
before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers
began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my
head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard
one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've
been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.
It's a man thing.

Potentially Interesting Websites

I got this list in an email in 2007. It's still funny so i thought I would dust it off and share it with you all...

Read each address of the website carefully. You will begin to giggle.

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com Who doesn't like presents?

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com Apparently they have since changed the site to www.Experts-Exchange.com LOL

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net I wonder where the word "Pen" came from, or vice versa.

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com Not sure you'd want to actually be searching for the alternative.

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com Apparently this company decided to change its URL. Still funny.

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com This company has changed their URL too. No doubt as a result from this email. Find them now at www.molerivernursery.com

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com This one might take some thinking. I'm guessing you might be marking your territory or have a bladder problem.

8. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com I have heard of the speed of light, or the speed of dark, but?

While researching this article I ran across this book of these, "Slurls". A term coined by the author as in, URL Slurs. So if you think these are funny you might enjoy this book. It might make a good book for the back of the toilet for those longs periods when there is not much else to do.

Enjoy!

Just Making It Up As I Go...

Have you ever just made up a term that sounded like it should be common, but isn't?

Occasionally I have a moment of weirdness, like the time I mentioned that someone was full of spasticity. I thought I was being clever and had come up with a new variation on a word, but when I looked it up I discovered that someone had already beat me to it. It's still a fun word to whip out on occasion though.

Here are two terms that I don't think are in common use, so I provide them here for your entertainment, and to increase your vocabulary if you'd like.

Reflective Name Calling - When someone calls you a name where it clearly applies to them instead.

I just made that one up today when a cousin of mine said someone called him retarded. If you think of most name calling this actually makes sense as a good description for that type of situation. So the next time someone calls you an asshole, just smile and think about it being reflective.

Kellering - Physically using your surrounding environment for navigational purposes.

This one has been in my arsenal for some time now. I came up with it one day when I was wondering if you could drive blind and just use the bumpy reflectors in the street to keep you within your lane.

This can also be the description of someone attempting to park their car while careening off of the cars parked on either side of the space they are trying to get into. As in, "He was kellering into that parking space".

If you have made up these sort of terms I'd love to hear what you have come up with. I think Dennis Miller used to do this kind of word-play and even wrote a book on them while he was doing Saturday Night Live.

One term I remember of his was Reignition, which was the act of trying to start a car that was already running.

Storm Troopers Searching, and Musicians Bitching

Here's a few funny pictures that came across my Facebook tonight...

Bitch Slapper

This picture made me chuckle today, so it just had to be brought over here for safe keeping in case I need a laugh again in the future...

Enjoy!

How to Peel a Head of Garlic in Less Than 10 Seconds

Amazing video to make your life with garlic a bit easier.

When you're finished, apparently there's no dickens left either!

Watch it and that last line will make sense. :)

Bush BA

How many of you have neighbors that might warrant a trimming like this of one of your bushes?

Elaborate Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist".

The proctologist fainted.

Pain Transfer Machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain... than the father had ever experienced before.

As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch!

What's This All About?

From time to time I run across silly crap that doesn't really fit into my other blogs.

I thought I would create this blog to place all of that stuff in. Things like jokes I found funny, license plates or bumper stickers I have seen, etc...

Most of it will probably be just regurgitated from other sources, but occasionally I might try to weigh in with some original observations.

Feel free to join in the fun!

Enjoy!